WASHINGTON—With the remaining days of August dwindling and autumn rapidly approaching, the nation ashamedly confirmed Wednesday that it had once again failed to make the most of summer. “I was also supposed to get into shape and tackle a challenging novel, but I’m still a fat ass who’s on chapter three of Moby-Dick. And unless I meet someone really horny, really soon, that fling isn’t going to happen either. Yep, I totally blew it, just like every other fucking summer.” At press time, sources reported the populace of the United States could not wait to go apple picking in the fall.