Former dictator Bashar al-Assad has been forced to cancel his week long run of stand up shows at the Edinburgh Fringe after the Syrian courts sentenced him to death in his absence. The 20 minute show, entitled 'Damn ass cussin' was scheduled to begin on Saturday, despite early mixed reviews. A statement from the festival organisers apologised for the short notice cancellations and confirmed that all tickets would be refunded. Which is why we have sent Lee Mack on a diplomatic mission to the Iranian Islamic Republic to try and get the fatwa lifted from Mel and Sue. At least until the end of their run.'