But follow these tips and you’ll be winning tournaments with surprising frequency. Only play in your own tournamentsNot everyone owns their own golf course, but who cares about other people? Tell your golf club staff they’ll all be fired if you lose and inform other players they’ll be barred from future events if they beat you. Own the fastest golf cartIt’s been widely reported that I own an unusually fast golf cart that allows me to arrive at the balls long before other players. Threaten legal actionIf you’re losing, angrily tell your opponent you’ve seen him cheating and you’ll be suing him for $10 billion.