Could your offspring be planning a hit, or is he furiously wanking as usual? A responsible parent will have the ‘Are you planning murder or wanking like a laboratory monkey?’ If it’s a hit, he’ll need a weapon. But there could be innocent reasons, such as being just over a fortnight from confirming he’s f**ked all his GCSEs due to excessive wanking. If he’s innocent he has nothing to fear, and 16 armed officers crashing into his bedroom screaming ‘SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!’