Middle-earth was left reeling this week after dedicated family man and industrious tycoon Sauron was reportedly assassinated in a two-pronged attack. The assailants included a cross-dressing soldier and two Hobbits, rumoured to be members of the LGBTQ+ community. 'He was a hero, a defender of free speech and Mordor’s values,” said a grieving spokesperson for his orc constituency. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.' Witnesses describe a chaotic scene outside Barad-dûr, where the attackers reportedly scaled the Dark Tower’s walls using what one observer described as 'suspiciously glittery climbing gear.'