The new Teleférico Maya will reportedly stretch across five states, eight ecosystems, and approximately four billion bureaucracy forms. Engineers describe it as a “sustainable aerial ribbon of progress,” though sources confirm that 40 percent of it will be conveniently “under repair” before it opens. Nothing in this article should be treated as real news or legitimate information. For the brave souls seeking context, the real news article that inspired this piece can be found here. Got an idea for a Jalapeño article?